申请美国本科Essay的写作指导 范文分析

申请美国本科Essay的写作指导范文分析如今，美国本科申请的竞争愈演愈烈，对于众多美国名校申请者而言，在高中成绩、SAT、TOEFL等方面都能取得高分的情况下，究竟如何才能获得学校的青睐，从而争取到有限的录取名额？

专家分析，在美国绝大多数学校都不面试国际学生的情况下，毫无疑问，申请Essay是学生展示自己的最好机会。然而，众多学生在文书写作中却存在诸多问题，如：没有选择很好的Essay写作素材；回答学校的Essay题目偏题；语言、语法的表达错误等。这些因素不仅使得学生没有很好地通过Essay这个环节向学校展现自我，而且会给自己的申请带来不利影响。

因此，专家建议学生在申请Essay写作过程中一定要找相关方面的留学专家进行把关，这样才能最大限度地向学校展现自己，发挥Essay在申请过程中的重要作用，，从而申请到最理想的学校。

下面，留学专家将通过具体的文书写作实例来向学生讲解申请Essay的写作技巧。[我要留言咨询]

? 芝加哥大学（University of Michigan）Essay I 题目：

Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)

? 学生原文：

“Hi! I’m Shanlin ” “How’s that pronounced? Wait, don’t you have an English name?“ (the idea is to highlight som e conflict over whether it’s easier for you to give up and adopt an English name that’s not yours. We use the girl here as a device, so it’s okay to portray her as a little more ignorant and surprised by your Chinese name.)

This happened the first time I traveled outside China and introduced myself to a girl at our dorm. Her confusion left me quite puzzled too, and I wondered if picking an English name would indeed help me fit in. I flipped through dictionaries and name databases, looking for the perfect name to identify myself with. Hours later, frustrated and still indecisive, I closed the book and gave up. I don’t need an English name.

My Chinese name given by my grandfather represents the well wishes and love of my family. “Shan” means slow-paced, because my grandfather wants me to take the time to appreciate all that life has to offer; “Lin” means having a kind heart as pure as jade. I’m proud of my name, and I do my best to live up to it.

To my family, their only child is leaving for her journey into young adulthood; she must study hard in school and make them proud of her accomplishments. To my friends, the silly girl they grew up with is going all the way across the world for college; she must send back amazing photos of her new adventures. To my country, I am the daughter who, despite being thousands of miles away, will always carry the greatest memories of growing up in China.

And to me, Shanlin Hu, this is my exploration. I’ll always be Chinese, but as my geography expands, so wil l what I identify as my new community. I can’t wait to be a part of the Ann Arbor campus where I’ll make meet new people, learn about their cultures, celebrate new traditions, and teach everybody how to pronounce my Chinese name!

? 修改后的文章：

Living in Shanghai, I have a strong feeling towards the sea. What word might occur to people when they imagine the sea? Huge, endless, blue, shiny… however, when I come up to the shore in Shanghai, the word “dirty” strikes to my mind. What I sawwas far from an ocean paradise. Garbage barges slowly cut through the debris, while thick pools of oil lap against the shore.

In recent years, our city has campaigned to reduce air and waste pollution. Iparticipated in the Johnson&Johnson’s Beach Clean-Up Day Project. I, together with other volunteers, worked two hours a day to collect the rubbish along the sea in the summer of 2012. After we finished the work,

the scenes recurred in my mind: little boy kicked the beverage cans into the sea, drunken man threw away the bottle in his hand and visitors dropped their rubbish while they walked along the shore. We can send a volunteer team out every day, but it won’t solve the problem if our own people are the ones polluting the sea!

Then I took the initiative to encourage clean and green living among my classmates and neighbors. Since I have hundredsof fans on my Weibo, I think it may be a great deal if my fans spread the ideas to their friends so that I started to post the information about environmental protection on my micro-blog. Fortunately, more and more people in our community had noticed the information on Weiboand more people had joined the campaign to pass the spirit of promoting a cleaner Shanghai.

This is the community I belong to: calling for more people to protect the environment of Shanghai. I knowthere are still a lot of challenges on our way, but I will stick to that for the cityI love.

? 留学专家点评：

初稿是通过写自己名字体现自己属于的家庭，并为自己的名字而感到自豪。但文章的题目是“ 申请者属于哪个社区，以及在这个社区中的情况” 。很显然，学生将过多的文字放在自己名字的来历以及向别人介绍自己名字上，而并没有很好地回答学校的Essay 题目。学生之前积极参加了强生& 强生组织的海滩清理活动，并且之后积极推广环保活动。因此，AA留学建议学生可以深入挖掘这些素材，通过描写自己在活动中做的事情，来向学校展现自己属于积极保护环境的社区。通过内容上的调整，学生不仅很好地回答了学校Essay 的问题，同时也展现了自己热心公益、保护环境的一面。

? 纽约大学（New York University）Essay B题目：

B. What intrigues you? Tell us about one work of art, scientific achievement, piece of literature, method of communication, or place in the world (a film, book, performance, website, event, location, etc.), and explain its significance to you.

? 学生原文：

I was first attracted to TV show “Friends” for its helpfulness in improving English, what it is well known for in China. After a few episodes, I found it so hilarious that I had to keep watching until I finished all ten seasons. But by the end of last scene, funny jokes or any other things become so trivial; the only thing that matters is their affections towards one another. I feel like I was one of them: I cried when Ross and Rachel broke up; I laughed when Chandler and Monica got married; I smiled when Joe was willing to anything that would ruin his reputation just to cover for Monica and Chandler; I panicked when Rachel thought of moving to France.

It has taught me something deeper than laughers or language; it taught me how to care for a person you love. I used to think those six people became good friends because they have close relationship like Rachel and Monica used to go to high school together, or Ross and Chandler were college roommates. Yet as the story keeps going, I figured they are friends because they cared so much. They lied, cried, fought, argued, did all kinds of ugly things just to make a friend happy. I was touched by the bonding between them.

I used to wait for magic to happen, hoping someday a perfect girl would come to me and be my best friend. Yet it never happened. Now I know I had to give my affection to make wishes come true.When you stop being selfish and care others as you care for yourself, friends will just come around.

? 修改后的文章：

I’m a big fan of old movies, among which The Sound of Music is one of my favorites. Many of my peers often laugh at my falling behind current fashion, but I could find the cultural and aesthetic significance of these classic films.

The talented cast, the sentimental story and the amazing music contribute to the success of “The Sound of Music” . The story is based on the true story of Maria and the Von Trapp family. Maria, who did not fit into the abbey, was sent to be the governess of seven children of Captain Von Trapp. Finally, Maria and Captain Von Trapp have romantic feelings for one another. At the same time, Nazis are moving into and preparing to take over their country. Von Trapps made the painful decision to leave their beloved country. The story is of courage, the power of music, and the feeling of love.

The film is filled with glorious songs and has plenty of romantics to enjoy, from which I could feel the importance of family, the universality of music and the patriotism. One of its lyrics “Follow your heart, believe it will happen”, ofteninspires and encourages me to pursue my goals persistently. Also in the arm of hope, happiness and harmony, this timeless classic brings out resonance and gives us vicarious pleasure.

? 留学专家点评：

纽约大学Essay B的问题是“谈谈一样让你感兴趣的艺术品、科学研究或者文学作品，以及它们对你的影响”。学校旨在通过这道Essay题目考查学生对文学、艺术方面的兴趣爱好，以及学生的思想理念。学生之前写的是“老友记”的内容，但文章对作品的认识和理解并不深入。学生后来选择的“音乐之声”的素材，首先重点谈了自己对这部作品的体会和认识，并且

着重提到了作品对于自己的影响：始终追寻自己的梦想。通过内容的调整，学生更好地回答了这道Essay问题。

? Common Essay：

Recall an occasion when you took a risk that you now know was the right thing to do.

? 学生原文：

“Beep.” My phone rings. I open the text and a figure jump out of my phone: one thousand and twelve hundred yuan! This is the third time I got paid for my first job! My euphoria is ineffable as this paycheck reminds me of my accomplishment in the past few weeks: I brought in a total of eighty-one thousand yuan for Eagle International Education. Immersed in ecstasy, I feel like I was ready to take the world.

With extreme confidence, I decide to put my own business into the picture. With a heart full of hope, I stopped working for someone else and started to open a massage shop, something that burgeoned in my mind a long time ago. Two month ago, when heard my mother and other

professors chat over dinner about how inconvenience it is having to walk a long way to get a message and how frequently they need the message to alleviate their neck pain, I immediately noticed a perfect business opportunity.

After several discussion with my business teachers from school, I made a elaborate business plan. Using the money earned from my first job, I turned my obsolete apartment in campus to a message shop, hired a masseuse and was ready to officially open my message shop. When saw the ads of my shop hanging on the notification board inside the campus, I was deeply convinced that this message shop would be a huge success.

But I could not be more wrong. Very few people come to my shop. Anxious, I go on the street to give out flyers, trying to persuade people into coming to my shop. The people walking on street are mainly university students, and they shake their heads at the sight of the price on the flyer. “The price is t oo high! That is why people do not come! My customers are students, and they do not have a lot of money to spend!” this realization made the future of my massage shop seems bright again.

I lower the price and wait excitedly, hoping there will be a dramatic increase in the number of customers. It turns out that I was wrong again. I wait and wait, but still, no one come. I was puzzled.

One day, I come to the shop from school. As I walk on the zigzag path, taking endless turn to walk home, I suddenly realize the real problem: location! My house was surrounded by several other buildings. It is located in an residential area where no student or professor pass by. More importantly, my house is on the third floor. Even if people accidentally come across the road near my house, they probably would not notice my house.

Figured out the real problem, I know my message shop reached a dead end. There is no place else that I can use to open this message shop. After the fifth week, I shut down the shop with a heavy heart, can not stop blaming myself for not seeing the problem and rash things. I made a loss that I could not cover myself.

The message bed becomes obsolete. My mother persuades me to throw it out, but I insisted on keeping it in my room. The message bed lies on the floor, constantly reminding me of the mistake I made. It also reminds me of the wonderful time I spent preparing the shop.

Recently, the ides of helping my father promote his herbal tea emerged in my head. The message bed in my room made me hesitant about it. Then I sit on the bed and was determined again. Because with last time’s failure, I am sure I would not make the same mistake again.

? 修改后的文章：

After I was elected Vice Chair of the School Student Association in 11th grade, I participated in the organization of the school’s annual “A Level Scintillate”, a singing competition. As I used to join in a similar school activity as a class monitor and made my own decision on everything, it was a bit unfamiliar for me to work as the vice minister of Association Chair and the coordinator of different departments.

But I decided I should take the challenge and explore a new role in the association. The party was facing lots of difficulties. First, it was held in the final examination period, and everyone, including the Chair was extremely busy. Until the semi-final round, I got to know that the directors of promotion and activity departments was complaining that they did not know the work plan of each other and it was difficult for them to continue their job. Thus I kept a daily contact with both directors and asked them to report to me any changes in their work which they thought needed the cooperation. I had to make several calls each day to make sure they were fully aware of the next step of the work. As a result, the preparation work was basically ready one week before the final.

However, a new problem occurred when the contestants and their performance had already been decided. Our supervisor required us to expand the final Scintillate from two hours to three hours, which meant that we had to add new performance. Where could we find the new players in such a limited time and when every student was engaged in study? Even the Chair was very much troubled by the problem. I came up with an idea and suggested that as the final Scintillate was near Christmas, we could make the newly-added part a special Christmas party and invite the foreign teachers in our school to perform after the competition. Fortunately, our foreign teachers were all grad to accept my invitation to perform in the party. They, who were from different countries including Australia, UK, Kenya and India, later gave us amazing performance in the party part and made the final Scintillate a successful combination of contest and performance.

When the Scintillate was approaching, another challenge came again. Owing to the limited time of the performer students, the opening dance was not very satisfactory. To solve the problem, I turned to the director of Arts Department, who recommended his friends of Street Dance Club to tutor our performers. As our tutors were in the Normal Division and had to prepare for the National College Entrance Examination, their time was very precious. Thus I contacted their supervisor teacher and asked for a leave of their tutor time. Thanks to their teaching, our opening

dance improved enormously and received big applause from the students on the final day.

When I announced “the Scintillate is over”, all the teachers and students jumped onto the stage and hugged each other. Surrounded by those smiling faces, I knew the activity succeeded, and so did my effort. Success was achieved by creating a new ideal and converting each step into a goal and each goal into a step. I am glad that I had done a good job and now I have seen a big personal growth in my working capability.

During my participation of the activity and the implementation of my duty, I was continuously facing unexpected changes and had to take risk to solve different problems. The greatest risk for me was whether I could get used to my new role as vice minister while realizing my idea to the largest extent.In my opinion, every solution brings a risk and we must choose the solution which leads to the best result rather than the one which brings slightest risk.

? 留学专家点评：

Common Essay是美国很多使用Common Application系统学校的共用Essay。Common Essay一共有6道题目，学生可以从中选择一道来回答，字数在650字以内。学生选择的题目是：“描述一件自己现在认为是正确的冒险经历”。学生写的是自己曾经开按摩店的经历，但文章的内容很散，缺乏主线；更没有点出为什么觉得是正确的原因，以及自己从中得到的收获。修改后的文章写的是学生在学生会担任副主席组织活动的经历，通过详细的自己组织活动的描写，学生向招生官展现了自己勇于面对挑战的特点，并且提到了自己参加这次活动的收获，很好地回答了Common Essay的问题。