英文幽默故事

Lesson 1

A cat’s foreign language

rat fat cat

The mother rat and her babies are playing in the garden. A fat cat is coming to catch them for dinner.

The mother rat and her babies try to run away. But the baby rats can?t run very fast. The cat is getting closer and closer. Suddenly, the mother rat stops running and turns around. She shouts at the cat like an angry dog, “woof, woof, woof. ”The cat is afraid and runs away.

The mother rat turns to her babies, and says, “You see how important it is to learn a foreign language.”

Lesson 2

It is part of the game.

plate wake late

Mom is washing plates in the kitchen. Kate and her brother Dave are playing games in the living room. Kate is making a lot of noise. Mom says, “Kate, why do you yell and scream so much? You?re going to wake up your grandma. Please play quietly like Dave. See, he doesn?t make a sound.”

“Of course, he doesn?t. Mom, it?s part of the game we are playing. He is daddy coming home late, and I …m you.”

Lesson3 The best Present.

best get wet

Ben and Ted are good friends. They always play together.

One day, Ted sees a water gun in Ben?s hand, and he asks, “Who gave you the gun?”“M y grandpa,”Ben says, “and this is the best present I have ever had.”

“why?” Ted asks.

“when I play with it, I get everything wet. So my mom gives me five dollars for not playing with it.” Ben answers.

Lesson 4

I have his ear in my pocket.

his big kid

Tim is a naughty boy. He often fights with his classmates at school. One day, Tim comes home with a bloody nose. His mother asks, “Tim, what happened?”

“ A big kid bit me.” Tim answers.

His mother is very angry to hear this.

“ Would you recognize him if you saw him again?” asks his mother.

“ I …d know him anywhere.” Says Tim. “ I have his ear in my pocket.”

Lesson 5

My dog doesn?t bite.

white bite nice

Mike walks into a pet shop and sees a little white dog. He asks the shopkeeper, “ Does your dog bite?”

The shopkeeper says, “ No, my dog doesn?t bite.”

“ What a nice dog,” Mike says to himself. Then he bends down and tries to touch the dog. The dog bites him.

“ Ouch! ” he cries, “ You said your dog did not bite!”

The shopkeeper replies, “That is not my dog.”

Lesson 6 I was not lost.

dog stop hot

Bob is an old man. He often walks his dog in the street after dinner and comes back home at seven o?clock.

One evening, a car stops at his house. A policeman helps Bob get out of the car. The policeman says to Bob …s wife, “ This old man got lost in the street. He asked me to take him home in the car.”

After the policeman leaves, Bob?s wife asks, “Bob, you go to that street every day. How could you get lost?”

“ I was not lost. It was too hot. I just didn?t want to go home on foot,” Bob answers.

Lesson 7 I broke them all.

coke nose broke

Little Rose is watching TV. Her mother asks, “Rose, what?s on TV?”

“ A guy is drinking a glass of coke through his nose.”

“ Stop watching that stupid thing. Please go to the shop and buy some eggs for me.”

“ Okay, mom.”

“ Be careful not to choose any bad ones.”Half an hour later, Rose comes back home with a yellow plastic bag. Her mother takes the bag, and looks inside.

“ What is it? ” she asks.

“Eggs, of course!”Rose say, “ I broke them all. Every one is good.”

“Are you joking?” her mother asks.

Lesson 8 A man with a gun.

bus run gun

It?s a sunny day. A woman gets off the bus and goes into a butcher shop to buy some meat. A strange man follows her into the shop. At that time, some policemen are passing by. They find a gun in the man?s pocket. The man is a robber.

“Madam, thank you very much. Your scream saved me,”the butcher says , “but how did you know he was a robber?”

“ I didn?t know,”replies the woman, “ I screamed because the meat was too expensive.”

Lesson 9 Just use a pencil.

cute excuse use

Tom is a little boy. He is cute, but also very naughty.

One evening, he eats a ballpoint pen. His mom quickly calls the doctor, “Excuse me, doctor, my son ate a ballpoint pen. Please come doctor, my son ate a ballpoint pen. Please come to my house at once.”

“I?m sorry, but it is too late. I?m already in bed.” The doctor refuses to help.

“ Then what shall I do?” the mother says anxiously.

“ Don?t worry, mom. You can just use a pencil,” Tom says in pain.

Lesson 10 A smart answer

far car smart

Mark?s father has a farm. It?s far away from the city. One day Mark goes to the farm with his father by car.

On the farm, Mark sees many hens. He looks at the hens and the question comes to his mind. He asks his father, “Why are the hens? legs so short, dad?”

Mark?s father smiles and says, “If the hens? legs are long, they will drop their eggs into pieces.”

“Dad, you are so smart. You know everything, ” Mark says.

Lesson 11 I’m the driver over sister driver

School is over. My sister and I are hurrying home for dinner. We fight our way onto the bus. The bus is really crowded. Just then, we see a man trying to get on, but no one gives way to him.

“Hey, let me get on the bus!”the man shouts.

“ I t?s too crowed. You?d better take the next bus,” a passenger says to him.

“But you can?t go without me. I?m the driver!” the man answers.

Lesson 12

A bedtime story about birds

skirt bird third

It?s time for bed. Mary takes off her skirt and puts on her pajamas. But she isn?t sleepy at all. So the little girl asks her mother to tell her a very, very long story, or she is not going to bed. So her mother begins to tell her a story like this, “ There is a very big old house, and there is some rice in it. One day, a big bird goes into the house and comes out with a grain of rice. Then another bird goes into the house and comes out with a brain of rice. Then a third bird goes into the house and comes out with a grain of rice. Then a fourth bird… Then a fifth bird…”

“ Stop, stop! I want to sleep,” Mary shouts.

Lesson 13 A bad school report horse sport short

Ford was born in the year of the horse. He is a third-grade student. He likes playing sports, but doesn?t like his lessons. His father is forty years old and has a short temper. One day, ford gets his school report, and it is not a good one.

Ford knows what will happen if his father sees the report, but he has to ask his father to sign it. At last, he has a good idea.

In the evening , ford turns off the light. The room is very dark. Then he gives his father the school report, and says, “ can you sign it in the dark, dad?” Ford gets what he wants.

Lesson 14 The nurse should give me some money

nurse turn purse

One day, Joe is ill. His mother takes him to the hospital. The doctor asks the nurse to give him an injection. Joe cries for a long time. “Dear son, don?t cry. You?ll feel better after a while.”

When Joe turns around, he sees his mother take out some money from her purse and give it to the nurse. Joe says angrily , “No, she hurt me. She made me cry. She should give me some money.

Lesson 15

A different roast every day

coat boat goat

Jack puts on his thick coat and leaves home for his winter holiday. He takes a boat to a small island and wants to stay there for two weeks. But four days later, he is back home. His mother asks why.

“O n the first day, a goat died, and we had roast mutton for dinner,”Jack says, “On the second day, a cow died, and we had roast beef for dinner. On the third day, a pig died, and we had roast pork for dinner.”

“Very good. A different roast every day.”His mother says.

“ On the fourth day, a farmer died, and we didn?t dare to stay for dinner,” Jack says.

Lesson 16

A noisy girl and five hundred

ducks

noisy noise voice

Some girls are making a lot of noise in class. Their teacher says in a loud voice, “ stop making so much noise. A girl is really like five hundred ducks. You are driving me mad!”

A girl student stands up and goes to the restroom. When she comes back to the classroom, she says to the teacher, “one thousand ducks outside are waiting for you, sir.”The teacher is very surprised and goes out to see what it is. To his surprise, he sees his wife and his daughter standing outside the classroom.

Lesson 17 A lazy brook

book look cook

Brook is a lazy boy. One evening, he is reading a story book on the sofa. His mother says to him, “here is some money. Go and get some meat.”

“Look, I?m busy, mom,” says Brook. So his mother gets the meat.

“Brook, here is the meat. Now cook it, please.”

“But I?m not good at cooking, mom,”Brook answers. So his mother cooks the meat again.

After a while, the mother says to Brook, “ The meat is ready. Come and eat.”“Yes, mom,”Brook jumps up from the sofa, and says, “ I don?t like saying no all the time.”

Lesson 18 She is a fool

boots pool fool

Today is Mary?s first day of school. She puts on her new boots and says goodbye to her mother.

When she comes home from school in the afternoon, her mother asks, “Mary, do you like your new school?”

“Yes, my school is very pretty. Our classroom is big and clean, and we have a very nice swimming pool,” Mary answers. “ How about your teachers?” mother asks. “I like them all except the math teacher, She is really a fool. I can?t believe her. First she says three and three is six, and then she says two and four is six too,” Mary says.

Lesson 19 Other moms also want to be proud

proud about loudly

Peter gets a bad mark in school, and his mother is very angry with him.

“Last year, I was proud of you,”she shouts, “You were the best pupil in the class.”

The little boy is very sorry about that. He thinks for a moment, then he looks at his mother with a smile and says loudly, “ But other moms also want to be proud of their children and that will be impossible if I am always the first!”

Lesson 20 Follow the flies.

snow know low

It?s snowing. Tom is walking home, cold and hungry. So he goes into a restaurant.

He wants to go to the restroom to wash his hands before he starts his meal, but he doesn?t know where it is. So he asks the waiter in a low voice, “Can you show me where the restroom is?”

“ Just follow the flies. You can?t miss it,”the waiter says.