50个英语笑话

The year was 1943. Readers were sending in their hysterical true stories in droves, and the editors here had a revelation: "Great! Cheap labor!" And thus was born Life in These United States, the first of our humor departments, which was soon followed by All in a Day's Work and Humor in Uniform. One of the early stories: A wealthy New Yorker, "dressed in the Abercrombie & Fitch version of What a Man Should Wear in the Wilderness," walks up to a laconic Maine lobsterman. "I see you are using fish bait for lobsters. You think it's good, do you?" he asks. The lobsterman shakes his head. "No, I don't. But the lobsters do."

Since then, readers have sent us over 20 million true stories and jokes, about 100,000 of which we've published. And now we're bringing you the best of the best. Edited by Jill Krasny

Ill Defined

1. We were really confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, a colleague came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."

--Patricia Longbottom

2. Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet-who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, I asked if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

--Patsy R. Dancey

3. One crazy day in our pediatric clinic saw me hand a young patient a urine sample container and tell him to fill it up in the bathroom. A few minutes later, he returned to my nurse's station with an empty cup.

"I didn't need this after all," he said. "There was a toilet in there."

--Linda Feikle

4. I was already a nervous wreck about my upcoming surgery. It didn't help matters when the admitting nurse asked me, "Have you had a hysterectomy before?"

--Terry Wisener

Do the Right Thing

5. Watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said. "I can't hear."

"I should hope not," she answered. "This is a private conversation."

--David Carver

6. My husband decided to install a light switch in our master bedroom. Cutting into the wall, he discovered a stash of bottles and boxes.

"Honey!" he called excitedly. "Come see what I found!"

I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole he had made in the back of our medicine cabinet.

--Nola Pirart

Wedded Blitz

7. The minute I walked into the post office, the postmaster noticed the new earrings my husband had given me.

"Those must be real diamonds," she said.

"Yes," I said. "How could you tell?"

"Because," she said, "no one buys fake diamonds that small."

--Deborah Caudell

8. When a woman in my office recently became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest," she said.

"How long have you been married?" I asked.

"Ten years," she replied.

--Tonya Winter

9. "What is that sound?" a woman visiting our nature center asked.

"It's the frogs trilling for a mate," Patti, the naturalist, explained. "We have a pair in the science room. But they've been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other." The woman nodded sympathetically. "The trill is gone."

--KathyJo Townson

Child's Play

10. We rushed our four-year-old son, Ben, to the emergency room with a terrible cough, high fever, and vomiting. The doctor did an exam, then asked Ben what bothered him the most. After thinking it over, Ben said hoarsely, "I would have to say my little sister."

--Angela Schmid

11. "Once in Virginia," said a speaker who had received an introduction that promised more than he felt he could deliver, "I passed a small church displaying a large sign. It read 'Annual Strawberry Festival' and, below in small letters, 'On account of the Depression, prunes will be served.'"

--Boston Transcript

12. The best advice I ever received came to me from my ensign when I was a Wave at boot camp. She told me, "To stay out of trouble, say 'Yes, sir' all day and 'No, sir' all night."

--Anonymous

13. A friend and I were hitchhiking, but no one would stop. "Maybe it's our long hair," I joked. With that, my friend scrawled on a piece of cardboard: "Going to the barber's." Within seconds we had our ride.

--Raymond Butkus

14. A male friend of mine, an engineer at an aircraft company, works for a woman supervisor. An active member of women's lib groups, she often shows up at work wearing buttons featuring feminist slogans. One day, her latest button, "Adam was a rough draft," proved too much for my friend. The next day, he showed up at work sporting his own button: "Eve was no prime rib."

--Phyllis Reely

15. The teacher in one of our local grade schools was showing a copy of the Declaration of Independence to her pupils. It passed from desk to desk and finally to Luigi, a first-generation American. The boy studied the document reverently. Then, before passing it on, he gravely added his own signature.

--Katherine T. Floyd

16. On the way back from a Cub Scouts meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. "Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?" he asked innocently.

After my son hemmed and hawed for a while, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. "You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer."

--Harry Neidig

17. Driving with my two young boys to a funeral, I tried to prepare them by talking about burial and what we believe happens after death. The boys behaved well during the service. But at the gravesite, I discovered my explanations weren't as thorough as I'd thought. In a loud voice, my four-year-old asked, "Mom?"

"Yes," I whispered.

"What's in the box?"

--Ginny Richards

18. A family was celebrating their daughter's fifth birthday at a local restaurant when the little girl's father noticed her looking sadly at a moose head on the wall.

Someone had placed a party hat on its head. Her father knelt beside her and explained why some people hunt animals.

"I know all that," the child sobbed. "But why did they have to shoot him at his birthday party?"

--Jerry Bundick

19. On the last night of our childbirth classes, our teacher took us to see the maternity center. We were gathered by the door when a woman, clearly in labor, and her nervous husband came rushing in.

When he saw our group of pregnant women, he panicked: "Oh, my God. Look at the size of that line!"

--Rachel Zeboski

20. We had just finished listening to an old Simon and Garfunkel tune when my young daughter asked, "Well, did he?"

"Did he what?" I asked back.

"Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?"

--Ron Pearce

21. A woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy along with her seven-year-old son. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

"What do you say?" she said.

He replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

The woman reached into her purse and gave her son the money. --Mercury Nickse

On the Clock

22. When a nun collapsed in the sales representative's office at our time-share resort, the rep ran to the front-desk manager.

"Two nuns walked into the sales office, and one of them fainted!" she yelled breathlessly. Unfazed, the manager just looked at her.

"Well," said the rep, "aren't you going to do anything?"

He replied, "I'm waiting for the punch line."

--Donna Caplan

23. Although desperate for work, I passed on a job that I'd found on an employment website. It was for a wastewater plant operator. Among the job requirements: "Must be able to swim." --Michael Leamons

24. My first job was wrapping hams at a meatpacking plant. One day, I was heading out the main gate right behind a woman who was rather rotund. Or so I thought.

Just as she passed the guard shack, a ham dropped from her skirt. Before the guard could react, she wheeled around, shouting, "All right, who threw the ham?"

--Roger Schoen

25. While I was shopping in a pharmacy, a couple of teenagers came in. They were dressed in leather, chains, and safety pins. The boy had blue and purple spiked hair and the girl's hair was bright yellow. Suddenly the boy picked up a pair of sunglasses and tried them on. "What do you think?" he asked his girlfriend.

"Take them off!" she howled. "They make you look ridiculous."

--Audrey Kelly

26. My brother Jim was hired by a government agency and assigned to a small office cubicle

in a large area. At the end of his first day, he realized he had no idea how to get out. He wandered around, lost in the maze of cubicles and corridors. Just as panic began to set in, he came upon another employee in a cubicle. "How do you get out of here?" Jim asked.

The fellow smiled and said, "No cheese for you."

--Christine Probasco

27. I am five feet three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds." "Sweetheart," my mother gently chided, "this is not the Internet."

--M.M.

28. Anytime companies merge, employees worry about layoffs. When the company I work for was bought, I was no exception. My fears seemed justified when a photo of the newly merged staff appeared on the company's website with the following words underneath: "Updated daily."

--Dianne Stevens

One for the Road

29. Our first day at a resort, my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out when I paused and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?" "Sure," she said, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first."

--Louis Allard

30. My friend John and I, determined to see the world, signed on to a Norwegian freighter as deckhands. We were being trained as helmsmen, and John's first lesson was given by the mate, a seasoned but gentle white-haired seafarer. John was holding the heading he'd been given, when the mate ordered, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing which way starboard was, John left the helm and walked over to his instructor. As the helm swung freely, the mate politely asked, "Could you bring the ship with you?"

--Bruce Ingraham

31. Sitting in coach during a lengthy flight, my wife and I heard a flight attendant ask the high-paying passengers in first class, "Would you care for Chardonnay or Burgundy?"

A few minutes later, the curtains between the two sections parted, and the attendant wheeled the wine cart back to our aisle. "Excuse me," he said, looking down at us, "would you care for a glass of wine? We have white and red."

--William V. Copeland

Press '1' for ...

32. When Dad's satellite dish conked out, I found him on the phone with the help desk. The TV set was pulled away from the wall, and he was staring at the mass of tangled wires spilling

out the back of it.

He looked absolutely overwhelmed.

"Tell you what I'm going to do," Dad said to the technician. "I'm going to hang up now, go to college for a couple of years, and then call you back."

--Dana Marisca

33. My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves site, and we told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."

As I sat with my fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought for a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"

--Catherine Burns

34. A pastor I know has a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he uses the Find and Replace command on his computer to replace the name of the deceased from the previous funeral with the name of the deceased for the upcoming one. Recently, he had to replace the name Mary with Edna.

The next morning, the funeral was going smoothly until the congregation intoned the Apostles' Creed. "Jesus Christ," they read from the preprinted program, "born of the Virgin Edna."

--Robin Greenspan

35. I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. A car nut, he told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in for repair.

At the shop, I proudly recited, "The timing is off, and there are premature detonations, which may damage the valves."

As I smugly glanced over the mechanic's shoulder, I saw him write on his clipboard, "Lady says it makes a funny noise."

--Kate Kellogg

How Do You Spell IQ?

36. My friend was flabbergasted. She'd read that in a recent survey, our home state of California was ranked 47 in a list of the nation's smartest states.

"Can you believe that?" she fumed. "We're 47 out of 52!"

--Juan Gonzales

37. Halfway through dinner one night, our friend Jim told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.

"Did you play sports in college, Mike?" his wife then asked me.

"Yes," I answered. "I was on West Point's shooting team."

"That's great," she said. "Offense or defense?"

--Mike Maloney

38. Strolling through town, I saw a road worker printing a sign that read "Raised Manhole Ahead." I pointed out that there were more like ten raised manholes. The sign, he assured me, would be changed.

Later that day, the sign was corrected. It now read "Raised Menhole Ahead."

--Minx McCloud

39. Since I was a new patient, I had to fill out an information form for the doctor's files. The nurse reading it over noticed my unusual name.

"How do you pronounce it?" she asked.

"Na-le-Y-ko," I said, proud of my Ukrainian heritage.

"That sounds real nice," she said, smiling.

"Yes, it is melodious," I agreed.

"So," she asked sweetly, "what part of Melodia is your family from?"

--Ann Nalywajko

40. These newspaper editors stand corrected. From The Silver City (New Mexico) Daily Press: "Due to technical difficulties, Tuesday's page 7 was inadvertently left out and replaced with Monday's page 7. Today, page 5 will feature Tuesday's front page, while page 6 will be the correct page 7 for Tuesday."

--Robin Shetler

Edible Complex

41. The local market has a bin where employees keep returned items. The bin is labeled "Spoils." I never thought much about it, until one afternoon I heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: "Victor to the spoils. Thank you."

--Chris Dejong

42. It was an absolutely crazy evening at our emergency clinic. The doctor on duty was being bombarded with questions, given forms to fill out, and even asked for his dinner order. I was in the next room, cleaning up a sutured wound, when I realized the doctor hadn't given instructions for a bandage.

"What kind of dressing do you want on that?" I shouted through the door.

"Ranch," he yelled back.

--Brenda Todd

Gee, Thanks for the Help

43. For some reason, the bookstore clerk couldn't get the computer to recognize my preferred customer card. Peering over her shoulder at the screen, I said, "There's part of the problem. It shows my birth date as 12/31/1899."

"That's right," my husband chimed in. "She was born in June, not December."

--M. Patricia Capin

44. At 82 years old, my husband applied for his first passport. He was told he would need a birth certificate, but his birth had never been officially registered.

When he explained his dilemma to the passport agent, the response was less than helpful. "It's all right," the agent said. "Just bring a notarized affidavit from the doctor who delivered you."

--Elgarda Ashliman

War Stories

45. Short and baby-faced, my buddy Wiggins had trouble being taken seriously in the Army.

A mustache, he assumed, would fix that. He was wrong.

"Wiggins!" bellowed our drill instructor after spotting the growth during inspection. "What's so special about your nose that it's got to be underlined?"

--K. Trott

46. While my husband was stationed overseas, our four-year-old daughter decided that she needed a baby brother.

"Good idea," I told her. "But don't you think we should wait till your father's home?"

She had a better idea. "Why don't we just surprise him?"

--Kay Schmidt

47. During basic training, our drill sergeant asked all Jewish personnel to make themselves known. Six of us tentatively raised our hands. Much to our relief, we were given the day off for Rosh Hashanah.

A few days later, in anticipation of Yom Kippur, the sergeant again asked for all Jewish personnel to identify themselves. This time, every soldier raised his hand. "Only those who were Jewish last week can be Jewish this week," declared the sergeant.

--Allen Israel

48. Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him.

"I'm going to be away for a long time," I told him. "I'm going to Iraq."

"Why?" he asked. "Don't you know there's a war going on over there?"

--Thomas Cioppa

49. When I worked as a medical intern in a hospital, one of my patients was an elderly man with a thick accent. It took a while before I understood that he had no health insurance. Since he was a World War II vet, I had him transported to a VA hospital, where he'd be eligible for benefits.

The next day, my patient was back, along with this note from the VA admitting nurse: "Right war, wrong side."

--M. Murray

50. Few people outside the military know what a quartermaster does. So during my aircraft carrier's Family Day, I demonstrated a procedure called semaphore-I grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary boat.

When finished, I pointed to a little girl in front and asked, "Now do you know what I do?" "Yes," she answered. "You're a cheerleader."

--Danny Sullivan